-- June 23, 2006 --
A Helpful Primer for Dealing With Those Inevitable Crowds
You’re part of a sellout crowd at the ball game. Or
you're visiting that big Theme Park in
In all these situations, and quite a few others, you’re going to have to deal with walking through a crowd. You’re a busy person, and you’ve got a pace that you like to keep. But, inevitably, you’re going to encounter a few oblivious characters who seem determined to keep you from getting from point A to point B anytime soon. As a public service, I now present a field guide to these types, and how best to deal with them.
THE SUDDEN STOPPER: You’ve found a guy whose walking speed is similar to your own, and he’s doing a pretty good job of working his way through the crowd. So you decide to stick close behind him and let him block for you. It’s a sure bet that at some point this guy is going to stop dead in his tracks without warning. He won’t gradually slow down or make his way to the side; he’ll just come to a sudden and complete halt. If you don’t do the same, and quick, you’re going to either plow into his backside or risk taking out an innocent fellow pedestrian with a sudden sidestep of your own.
WHAT TO DO: Like driving, it’s a good idea to maintain a buffer zone between you and the walker in front, giving yourself time to react to the Sudden Stopper. This may not always be possible in a large crowd, however, so you must always keep yourself at the ready for the abrupt halt. Look for escape routes to the left and right and be ready to use them, or to make a quick stop of your own on a split-second’s notice. If you absolutely can’t avoid walking into someone, it might as well be the Stopper himself. After all, it was his own fault.
THE SUDDEN TURNER: A cousin to the Sudden Stopper, the Sudden Turner also acts without warning. Instead of gradually altering his course or slowing down to make his maneuver, S.T. will take a 90-degree turn on a dime, without changing speed and with no regard to anyone else in his path. A second ago, he was a few steps ahead of you and off to the side. Now, you’re inches away from a collision.
WHAT TO DO: Because you hadn’t been aware of him at all until he made his move, the Turner is more difficult to defend against than the Stopper, and since he’s still moving at full speed, a collision will be potentially more serious. If contact is imminent, about the only thing you can do is become a Sudden Stopper or Sudden Turner yourself, and hope that others have the reflexes to avoid you.
THE SWERVER: You’re walking a bit faster than the person up ahead, and you’d like to pass. But this guy can’t keep a straight line to save his life. You think about passing on the left, and he wanders to the left. You look right, and he moseys that way. Guess wrong, and you could end up breaking your nose on this guy’s skull.
WHAT TO DO: You’ve got to be bold with this one. Act quickly and decisively. While keeping a steady pace is usually advisable, this is one instance where you need to kick in the afterburner. The instant you see the Swerver start on one of his leftward tacks, gun it to the right and put this guy behind you. Then breathe a sigh of relief and resume your original tempo.
THE SIDE-LOOKER: He may be walking toward you from the opposite direction, or approaching from the side, or swerving your way at an angle, but one thing is for sure – he can’t see you, because his head is turned at a right angle to the direction he’s walking, and he’s staring intently at something other then where he’s going. This guy is a danger to himself and everyone in his path.
WHAT TO DO: The earlier you can identify a Side-Looker, the better. Keep an eye on him, try to predict his path, and steer well clear of it. One thing’s for sure – this guy is bound to plow into somebody sooner or later. Just make sure it isn’t you.
THE LEFTY: When two pedestrians approach each other from
opposite directions, they’ll typically keep to the right and allow one another
to pass without incident. Not this guy. Maybe he’s from
WHAT TO DO: As with the Side-Looker, early detection is the key here. If you see lots of walkers in front of you making sudden evasive maneuvers, it’s a good bet there’s a Lefty coming your way. Your best defense is a good offense. Become a Lefty yourself (or better yet, a Centrist, so as not to annoy any more oncoming pedestrians than necessary), until you’ve passed one another by. Let some stubborn keep-righter get into a confrontation with Lefty; it’s not worth your time.
THE PHOTOGRAPHER: This vacationer has found the perfect spot to take a snapshot of his loved ones, and to frame it properly he needs to stand 20 feet away, naturally assuming that no one will dare walk between him and his subjects. You’re certainly sympathetic to someone who’s trying to capture a precious family memory, so you pause. Of course, he has to make sure everybody is posed just right (“Joshua, switch places with Hannah! Emily, stand in front of Mommy!”), then decide whether to hold the camera horizontally or vertically, and finally, after telling everyone to “say cheese,” realizes the picture didn’t take and stares blankly at the back of his camera. How long is too long to wait for Ansel Adams here?
WHAT TO DO: If you can walk behind the Photographer, do it. It’ll be worth the extra steps to not have to decide when it’s safe to move again. If this isn’t possible, just be courteous, because -- come on, admit it – you know you’ve done this same thing yourself. However, if you’re truly in a hurry and this is just taking way too long, any point at which the camera is lowered from the Photographer’s face becomes fair game to scoot across without disturbing the creative process. Worst case scenario: Your butt will end up in some strangers’ photo album for all eternity.
THE WIDE FAMILY: It has nothing to do with their weight. The Wide Family is a group of four or more who, instead of traveling single-file or even shoulder-to-shoulder, will spread themselves out to cover as wide a path as humanly possible. Sometimes they’ll even hold hands with their arms outstretched, like a traveling game of Red Rover. To make matters worse, individual members of the Wide Family are often Swervers as well.
WHAT TO DO: If the Wide Family is coming at you from the other direction, and you’re quick enough on your feet, avoidance is pretty simple. You should be able to place yourself at a gap between members and pass right through. If the W.F. is in front of you and you’d like to pass, it’s a trickier matter. The paths of several people are harder to predict than that of one individual. Your best bet is to deal with them as you would a Swerver: Find an opening and accelerate through it as quickly as possible. If you do happen to bump into one of these road hogs, you can offer a quick “excuse me” and keep moving. Don’t feel too bad about it though; if this happens often enough, they may one day see the error of their ways. But don’t count on it.
THE CLOGGERS: Probably the most infuriating human obstacle you’ll encounter are the Cloggers, since they are the most difficult to avoid, and often the most oblivious to the inconvenience they cause others. Cloggers are a large group, usually 8 or more, who choose the absolute least sensible places to gather for a head count or to discuss where to go next. At the bottom of the escalator, in a doorway, at the entrance to the theme park ride, just outside the airport gate, you’ll find this mass of humanity with no way through or around.
WHAT TO DO: There’s not much you can do with the Cloggers, other than try to make yourself as skinny as possible and push your way by, muttering a few “pardon me’s” and “comin’ through’s” while rolling your eyes or shaking your head in disbelief. Like the Wide Family, the Cloggers are unlikely to get the hint. But since you’re outnumbered, you’ll probably want to resist the temptation to yell, “Nice place to stand, morons!”
The best advice of all, though, is this: Relax. Try not to be in such a hurry all the time. Realize that not everyone is on the same schedule as you. Keep your blood pressure down, be tolerant of others, and the world might just be a little better place.